The Magic Word is “No”
A few weeks ago, I started reading Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by adrienne maree brown. I hadn’t even gotten through the introduction before this book changed my life by introducing me to the concept of the orgasmic yes.
Pleasure, brown explains, is a measure of freedom, and the orgasmic yes is the ultimate expression of that freedom. It’s about being so deeply connected to your authentic desires that your “yes” isn’t just intellectual consent, but a full-bodied, ecstatic affirmation. Essentially, the orgasmic yes is a deeply felt, embodied affirmation that resonates through your entire being. It’s that profound, undeniable feeling of alignment, joy, and satisfaction that tells you, unequivocally, “This is what I want.”
I kept reading—until I was stopped short by this question: “What would I be doing with my time and energy if I made decisions based on a feeling of deep, erotic, orgasmic yes?” I put the book down to think about my answer, and I’ve been exploring that answer ever since. In the process, I have found myself saying no to commitments that bring me no joy. This has, as it turns out, included some community service and activism—not because I’ve ceased caring about the work, but because I have become more discerning about what aspects of the work are mine to do. By saying no, I have created more room for yes.
Some examples: I was, until recently, one of the leaders of the Communications Team at my church. I was super-excited about this gig. This is a place where I felt like I could truly be useful. I love my co-leader. And I had a million ideas about how we could strengthen the congregation’s connections to our community and use outreach to expand our social justice work. For a while, I was really enjoying myself. Eventually, though, it became clear that what I imagined for the Communications Team was out of alignment with what church leadership wanted, and this was happening as I was realizing that my values might be out of alignment with those of church leadership as well. So, I quit the Communications Team (My partner stepped away, too, for reasons similar to mine and for reasons of her own.) The fact that I was able to do this without feeling any kind of guilt at all is remarkable, and I’m pretty sure I can thank adrienne maree brown for my sense of peace with this decision.
Soon after I tendered my resignation, I got an invitation to join the hype squad for a candidate for local office. I said yes without hesitation. This candidate is a friend, and I believe in him. I’m working with people I love, and I know that my work is valued. Local politics is where my heart is.
I’m not trying to present this as a just-so story or a Law of Attraction fable. I didn’t manifest my friend’s run for City Commission, but I did create space in my life for an orgasmic yes by saying no to obligations that do not bring me pleasure.
Pleasure is a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. Activism consists of efforts to promote, impede, or direct social, political, economic, or environmental reform or stasis with the desire to make improvements in society. Pleasure activism is the work we do to reclaim our whole, happy, and satisfiable selves from the impacts, delusions, and limitations of oppression and supremacy… Ultimately, pleasure activism is us learning to make justice and liberation the most pleasurable experiences we can have on this planet.—adrienne maree brown
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